What do women want?

[terracinque]

I know this is an old question, but I still want it answered. Why do women claim that all they want is "a nice guy with a good sense of humor" when that's so clearly a lie?

Every woman who's ever dumped me told me, beforehand, what a great guy I was and how wonderfully different I was from the assholes they'd dated in the past.

I want answers, damnit. If I have to be an asshole so I don't grow old alone, I need to start learning as soon as possible.